Speculative Punts: Premier League Review 2012/13

This Barclays Premier League season has already been exhaustively reviewed by greater minds that I, so, in a moment of supreme unconventionality, I have decided to post a brief review of next season...

May 22nd 2013:

As Eddie Newton prepares to lead his Chelsea team out onto the Wembley turf, for their second Champions League final in two years, it is worth us taking the time to look back over what has been another extraordinary season in the Premier League.

And let us begin with Chelsea, and their interim manager's meteoric rise: the season's unlikely success story. If the cameras were to pick out Newton physically pinching himself on the touchline on Saturday evening, it would not come as a surprise.

For a start, Chelsea's failure to beat Bayern Munich in last season's final had left the club facing up to the unpalatable prospect of Thursday nights on ITV4. But when the Greek champions, Olympiakos, were forced to withdraw from the Champions League - following a financial meltdown in their home country that left them unavailable to pay their players with anything other than pieces of scrap paper with Euro symbols drawn on them - Chelsea won the lottery of Europa League qualifiers to join Tottenham, Arsenal and both Manchesters, in the world's premier club tournament.

It was stagnant league form that did for Roberto Di Matteo, as much as anything else, and when a delegation of Chelsea executives were unable to persuade Pep Guardiola to cut short his sabbatical, Newton was installed as interim manager and charged with reviving the clubs short-term fortunes. League form stabilised, and fifth place was secured, but it was in Europe that Newton's charges really excelled.

Roman Abramovich's stated goal since buying the club has been to win this competition. Could Eddie Newton, of all people, finally be the man to deliver European glory to his Russian paymaster?

And how will John Terry feel, missing his second Champions League final in succession, after elbowing Tottenham's Emmanuel Adebayor in the semi-final first leg. Despite his entirely convincing protestations that he had merely raised his elbow in order to cup his ear - so that he might better hear the instructions Newton was shouting to him - and that Adebayor had run into his arm (breaking his nose in the process) in a deliberate attempt to get him sent off, UEFA did not see fit to rescind the card and he will, yet again, miss out the opportunity to lift the trophy he has coveted for so long.

If Newton is perhaps manager of the year, then Manchester City are surely the team of the year, after deservedly winning the title by six points. Their spending in the summer surprised many, again topping £100 million, but their neat circumvention of FFP by securing a new £200 million shirt sponsorship deal - with an Abu Dhabi investment company in no way affiliated with Sheikh Mansour - ensured Roberto Mancini could strengthen as he saw fit.

The footage of Carlos Tevez dancing on a mocked up grave, marked with Sir Alex Ferguson's name, on the concourse outside Eastlands, took some of the shine off City's celebrations, but Tevez's spokesman insisted that the player didn't understand what he was dancing on and in no way meant to cause any offence to a man he deeply, deeply respects.

Player of the year is surely Robin Van Persie. The Manchester City forward forged a prolific partnership with the dynamic Sergio Aguero, which made City the top scorers in England, and won the Dutchman Europe's Golden Boot. His picture perfect, game winning volley against former club Arsenal (from a misplaced lofted back pass from Alex Song) was as spectacular as it was galling for supporters of the London club to witness. At least Gunners fans could console themselves with the fact that he didn't really celebrate the goal. And third place in the the league, of course.

Van Persie's volley was not destined to finish up goal of the season, however, as Peter Crouch scored a back heel from forty yards, for Stoke, away at Norwich. He insists that he meant it.

A close second for player of the year must be Andy Carroll, the highest English scorer in the league. Kenny Dalglish signed six wingers in the January transfer window, in the hope of providing the Geordie show pony with better service. Unfortunately, none of them could cross the ball, least of all Stuart Ripley who is well into his forties. Dalglish denied charges that he was out of touch with the modern game, but was forced to change his system somewhat. As a result, a revitalised Steven Gerrard was pushed out wide, and he provided the majority of the assists for Carroll's goals.

Liverpool finished ninth in the table, which is sure to disappoint some fans, however another victory in the Carling Cup final ensures Dalglish will keep the job for life. Mike Newell is rumoured to be a summer transfer target.

Tottenham enjoyed a good run in Europe but disappointed in the league, finishing a lowly sixth. Speculation about Harry Redknapp replacing Roy Hodgson as England boss seemed to unsettle the team, and their league challenge fell away. England's World Cup qualifying campaign has certainly faltered, but sections of the media seem intent on driving Hodgson out of the job regardless of results and it could be that, come August, Spurs will be looking for a new manager. It appears certain now that Gareth Bale and Luka Modric will leave White Hart Lane, so even if Redknapp does stay, he will have much rebuilding to do.

Sir Alex Ferguson is sure to have a busy summer. Mind you, that is what most pundits thought last year and very little business was done. His arthritic midfield is in desperate need of new blood. It seems he has persuaded Ryan Giggs and Paul Scholes to stay on for yet another season, but their effectiveness has been diminished by age. Michael Carrick remains a shadow of the player he never actually was but did appear to be for some time. Anderson is still injured. Ferguson insists there is no value in the market, but Newcastle and Everton's transfer dealings continue to suggest otherwise. He still rates Park Ji-Sung.

Michael Owen seems to be destined to leave United after he, like Anderson, spent almost the entire season injured. The former England man made only one substitute appearance, in the club's final home game, which led to the United fans chanting "Are you Louis Saha in disguise?" at him for the full 17 minutes he was on the pitch.

Second seems a reasonable result for Manchester United, given their squad, but how much longer will the formerly outspoken Wayne Rooney tolerate the club's perceived lack of ambition in the transfer market?

Alan Pardew's French revolution continued to bear fruit, as Newcastle secured fourth place ahead of Chelsea. They will be praying, like Spurs last season, that Chelsea do not win the Champions League and take their place in next year's competition. Pardew himself spent much of the year ruling himself out of jobs that most pundits felt that he wasn't in the running for.

At the bottom of the table it is with a heavy heart that we bid farewell to West Bromwich Albion and their manager Alex McLeish, who has now guided west Midlands clubs to relegation from the Premier League on three occasions. Aston Villa last year were, of course, very nearly the fourth. Rumours continue to circulate that he is a Walsall fan.

West Ham are again relegated and, in a bizarre twist, "Big" Sam Allardyce and Steve Kean will swap places, just as they did last season; Kean having marshalled Burnley to the summit of the Championship following his sacking at Christmas by Blackburn Rovers. Anthony Modeste, Burnley's top scorer, will be a forced in the Premier League next year. Definitely one for your fantasy league team.

QPR are also facing up to a season in the Championship, however Mark Hughes was not proved wrong in his bold statement of last year that the club would "never face this situation again in my time here" following his sacking back in January.